$70 Zombie film

I love movies, and i love gore movies, I also really love zombie movies. Lately however this new obsession with zombie movies in hollywood is getting silly, its getting too glossy, time to bring it back to down where it belongs.

Cannes is apparently loving a film called "colin" which is apparently a film from a zombies point of view. His names er.. colin. Sounds a little like City of Rot.
The most astounding thing is apparently it only cost $70 to make. Impressive stuff. Thats quite a profit margin if it does well.

Originally reported by CNN of all people.

Uwe Boll update!

Uwe Boll submitted a film to cannes film festival. Its called "Darfur"... Yes thats right, that Darfur.

Interview from movieset below, but to save you time, apparently this film might be better as he went to darfur without a script, told the actors to be prepared, and also got some real sudanese people who have been through horrible events to re-enact them.

Uwe Boll without a script? I'd always assumed this was the case! I personally can't wait to see how he messes up a genuine, heartfelt, serious and topical issue such as this one.

Best quote has to be "the sudanese people... are from sudan", at first I thought this was hilarious then I remembered the amount of Hollywood movies that have Chinese playing Japanese and white americans playing pakistani's. So maybe, just maybe, Uwe Boll is on to something.



Also, he's interviewed by a man called Quinn Bender.

Face + meat slicer

I have never heard of Jet before, or their song 'KIA' but if you are looking for something to cheer you up fast forward to about 1:23.



Video courtesy of Fangoria

The Devil's Hand (1961)

The films' featuring voodoo which i have seen, are relatively recent. Generally they have all been terrible, whether it was the disastrous Skeleton Key, or the low budget Voodoo Academy, all of them have been lacking something. So it was with hesitation that I put "The Devil's Hand" (also known elsewhere as "Devil's Doll" and "Live to Love") into my DVD player.

The film's biggest star in it is Linda Christian, who has claim to being the first ever bond girl. Linda plays Bianca, a self-proclaimed witch who appears to Rick (Robert Alda) in his dreams. Rick's fiance, Donna (Ariadna Welter) wants nothing more than to get married, unfortunately for her, Rick's luck is down and has recently quit his job.

Bianca guides rick to a doll shop, where he finds dolls' that resemble both Bianca and Donna, this then starts a chain of events that surround Rick as he falls deeper and deeper into a Voodoo cult. He becomes troubled as he has fallen for Bianca even though he is aware she is evil, and struggles with the guilt he feels for leaving his fiance.
Rick realises that for his safety he can't leave the cult, not just because of the jealous rage Bianca feels, but also the threat of the Cult Leader, Francis Lamont(Neil Hamilton*).

If there is doubt about a members loyalty to the cult then they are placed under a rotating wheel with swords on it, Only one sword will be real and cut through to the heart. The fear that the writers wanted to instill in the viewer is somewhat lost by putting a glitter ball in the centre of the wheel, making it more like it belongs in a gameshow.

However, dodgy props aside, this film is undoubtedly the best I have seen about a Voodoo cult. Although some of the writing is really cheesy, especially during romantic scenes, for the most part it is passable. Even if the writing isn't great, some of the actors really out did themselves. Neil Hamilton stole the whole film, as he played quite a menacing, uncompromising Cult leader. He managed to play his character and bring a lot of under-stated creepy movements, especially when handling the dolls.

Overall "Devil's Hand" was a good moral tale of infidelity (ie - don't do it, or you will end up involved in some evil religious cult). It doesn't do a lot, but what it does it generally does well.
This might just be the first film reviewed for the Movierectum that I thought would be bad, but instead gets my thumbs up.

*By the way Neil Hamilton also played the Police Commisioner Gordon in the popular 60's Batman series.

17th May 2009

Looks like I am building the new movierectum experience as part of my uni Honours project. More frequent reviews start today with Devils Hand, and will continue for at least over the summer. Also expect to see some news on the world of cult movies and also some previews of the new site!

The Gene Generation (2008)

So, Cyberpunk then.

The gene generation introduces us to a world of dystopia and airships with TVs on them, which means its only right that the city of olympia, in which the film is set is inhabited by goths.

It has been 27 years since Blade Runner was released into cinemas, and directors are still responsible for releasing films that have flying airships with TV's on them in the opening sequence. A little more progress in the genre would be nice. However if it's progress you are looking for there is no sign of it here. (unless of course the TV's are now in HIGH DEFINITION!!)

The film starts with a scientist explaining that they created a "transcoder" which enables someone to hack DNA. I know... stick with me. Of course their experiments were messed up and the creator of it got turned into a mass of tentacles for no explainable reason. This last remaining scientist is now researching the device to enable it to do good. Apparently it will cure all disease.

Living next door to the scientist is Michelle (Bai Ling) who is a contract killer of DNA hackers. She gets her missions from that bearded CSI coroner. Her brother Jackie is always getting into trouble while looking a little 'emo'. He somehow has loan sharks after him all the time, and gets himself into trouble by stealing the transcoder from the neighbour.

Still with me?

Of course a bunch of evil people, including the transcoders creator (now tentacle monster) want the device back, so Michelle has to try and look cool, goth, Chinese and sexy while killing the bad guys.

Apart from this films plot being completely generic, dull and badly written, the biggest crime of this film is how sorry I feel for Bai Ling. She is clearly only given roles because she is east Asian, not afraid of showing tits, and dresses like a goth. She might be a good actress, but we will never know, as she is clearly not given anything to work with.

I take that back, she will never get a decent role because of her FREAKISHLY LARGE NIPPLES!

The action is badly done, with choppy choppy directing, one cut to one martial art move. They also use the post production gore technique, that is when someone is shot 'blood' is splattered on screen unconvincingly, and only serves to obscure whatever is not happening. Surely even on a low budget film, gore is not that hard to pull off.

This film wants to be a live action, anime Blade Runner and fails at every turn, it has no real value to even the sci-fi fans looking for a shred of something new, nor is it worth watching if you are a fan of all that goth music.

In short, stay well clear - unless you have a fetish for giant nipples.

The Plan

Okay, so these updates are slow. I have now promised myself to do one review every friday at least. I have a huge backlog of films recently watched but not reviewed. So expect such gems as Cyborg Cop, Hideous, and some more features as well. The plan is also to get enough people interested in a themed movie session, so far this has yet to happen.

Also the new site is currently under development, features it will include are: registration, forum, shop, user reviews and more! Plus more videos too!

Anaconda 3

So, everyone remember Anaconda? It attracted some pretty big names for a pre-Snakes on a plane snake film. Jennifer Lopez, Eric Stoltz and that fantastic actor - Ice Cube. It did okay in the cinema. Then Anaconda 2, less memorable but still managed to bring in some talent like.... erm..... Some dude who's been in CSI.


So what was the next inevitable step for a film of this nature? Three things that make a certified bad movie.


Sci-Fi Channel, Made for TV and finally, but by far the most important, David Hasselhoff. A Hoff that looks off his tits on liquor.


So this one goes like this : Evil scientist Murdoch is genetically tampering with snakes to try and develop a cure for terminal cancer, or is he? The snake escapes (or was it helped?) and the drunken Mercenary - Hammet (drunken Hoff), is asked to find and terminate the snake. Of course the plot has some twists like Murdoch being an evil scientist, which is somewhat obvious due to the actor, John Rhys-Davies. This man is one of my favourite B-Movie actors, but can never be cast as a good guy for some reason. He looks like the cheap, Evil little brother of Brian Blessed. Anyway for some reason Murdoch wants to let the snake free, the reason is never explained. Needless to say it must be evil.


The snake is some of the worst effects ever put in a TV Movie. Not so much the visual quality itself (it's expected to be low, seeing as its sci-fi channel), but rather the way it changes size and scale and looks in almost every shot. The gore is cheap and super-imposed most of the time, the snake never feels like a threat, hoff is obviously wasted, but does the job of having his name on the cover to sell more dvds.


It is extremely terrible. Unfortunately it gets old fast and even John Rhys-Davies isn't up to his usual level of hammy acting. If he has no interest in his role then I'm worried. Ultimately this film fails to deliver on every level. I have not even mentioned the other people in this movie. I just watched it and cannot for the life of me remember their faces, let alone their names!


Avoid.

Sex and the City (the Movie)

I am always told that guys hate "Sex and the City" because they are guys. Well it is my pleasure to introduce a guest reviewer. These are her thoughts on the movie.

‘I was led to believe this was a movie for women. I am a woman. This blew.’ – anon.

‘I’ve never been more sure of my sexual orientation.’ –Rupert, gay man, Leeds.

‘I’m pretty pissed off! I found this dvd in my girlfriend’s flat and thought maybe she’d listened to my suggestions for introducing porn into the bedroom.’ –Dave, student, Edinburgh.

For a movie starring 4 women who even my 58-year-old father describes as “used”, expectations were low before the opening credits had begun. For those of you not up-to-date with the series, everything seems to be recapped in a sickeningly saccharine way before the theme-song signals the moment when you realise you’ve just signed away two and a half hours of your life…

I might have been born the same year Kim Cattrall turned 28, but I wasn’t quite prepared for how haggard the women looked. It’s hailed as being a movie about fashion (or something), and whilst I would expect 8-year-old girls to think the outfits worn in the movie were pretty happening, they looked completely ridiculous adorning cleavage speckled with age spots and legs with skin that could benefit from an iron. WHO WEARS A FLOWER THAT IS LARGER THAN THEIR HEAD?!?!

“Fashion” aside, one of my main problems with this film was trying to figure out who its audience was meant to be. Who could possibly relate to these women (Besides gold-diggers and heiresses)? How can you empathise with someone who has enough money to just hire an assistant to help her organise her wardrobe because she can’t pull herself out of an angst-y funk for long enough to DO IT HER FUCKING SELF! And as a gift buys said assistant a designer bag (I don’t know the value exactly, but I am aware designer bags demand prices exceeding $4000). Or who takes 5 months to go to her old apartment to pick up a pair of shoes that cost over $500?! These women are loathsome, vile, and spoilt. And old. But behave like children.

Moving on.

The acting. I cannot write about this movie without bringing up the acting. The acting is worthy (more than worthy in fact) of a million Razzies. These women make Keanu Reeves believable in Chain Reaction.

[INSERT MONTAGE OF SHIT ACTING HERE] (missing video - sorry, will be fixed soon!)

To conclude- watching this movie feels like being raped in both eye sockets with power drill. And just to rub salt in the wounds, you’re left with the scarring images of the movie’s (thankfully limited) sex scenes. .01/10

-R

Never Back down/Step Up 2: The Streets

I remember mentioning to a friend that I wanted to go see Step Up 2, because it looked laughable. At the same time he was suggesting we go to see Never Back Down because it looked like Karate Kid but with Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). So on that very week we both handed over our testosterone licence and watched them both.

Watching a film based on MMA wasn't so difficult (although slightly homoerotic), however Step Up 2 was difficult. If you can imagine two guys in a cinema surrounded by either couples or women.... Actually that's a lie, there was not enough people to be surrounded by them, still.. you get the idea.

The other reason for reviewing these films together, is because both of them are essentially the same film, just aimed at different folks.

Step Up 2's plot goes like this, girl is in an underground dance 'krew' but is about to be kicked out of her aunt's house because her aunt does not like dancing. She lives with her aunt because her mother is dead. So she goes to a school of dance where she brings her own brand of street dancing. This proves a problem, as her 'krew' are not fond of this school, probably because it's not 'street' enough or something. The school is posh and does not like 'street', so she struggles to find friends but does attract the attention of a rich guy, who wants to get into 'street'... yo. So she goes to school and obviously proves to both crowds she can do 'street' with a new 'krew' and pass dance school at the same time.

Never Back Down's plot goes like this, boy keeps getting in fights and has had to move to different schools with his little brother and mother. His father is dead. He starts at a new school and finds his way into an underground MMA championship, which his mother does not like. He finds it difficult to make friends but does attract the attention of a rich girl, who likes fighters. So he goes to school and proves to his mum that he can do both. Sound familiar?

Not similar enough? In dancing movie, there is a geeky friend who helps the girl achieve her potential. In fighting movie there is geeky guy who helps guy achieve his potential. In dancing movie there is a teacher who disaproves of the activities she gets up to outside of school (taking dance to the streets yo). In fighting movie there is a wise master who disapproves of the activities he gets up to outside of training (fighting to hurt people is bad).

My most favourite similarity between the films though has to be in the climax. Both underground dancing competition and fighting competition take place at an unknown time and date, and all participants get a text message to tell them on that day where it is. In both competitions something happens which stops the event from happening, and instead is taken to the streets. Where the final battle occurs, lit by car head-lights.

To demonstrate this i have used my bad video editing skills and prepared the following video, I have tried to keep it spoiler free. You can imagine that these films are pretty predictable so its not like I would be ruining much .

All this aside, the most shocking similarity is that they are both actually good movies! I know they are formulaic, cheesy and predictable. At the end of the day though watching Step Up 2 made me want to go out and dance, while Never Back down made me want to wrestle men. So they must have done something right.

Both out on dvd now.